Not Over You
by LinsteadTime
Summary: Post Season4 finale. Erin left exactly a year ago. But how much time has to pass to get over the love of your life? Or is that even possible?
1. chapter 1

**First attempt in writing a story, reviews would be awesome so I know if I'm wasting my time here or not. It's in the middle of the night so don't hate me for spelling/grammatical mistakes please. Hope you guys like it!**

I keep walking. Trying to push the thought away because otherwise I'd be on my way to the airport in no second. The best idea is probably a bar, which is actually not a good idea at all considering my last few visits in bars.

I notice that it's not cold anymore. Even though it's whiskey with ice that is currently running down my throat. It's just too tempting to give in and god knows I never had the strength to do what's right. At least when it comes to my own well being.

Yes. I went to the bar. Just in case you were wondering. I can feel someone staring me and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Although it's nice to be seen for once, at least from someone who's not a criminal.

"Hi. Can I buy you a drink?" He smiles and all I want to do is punch in his face because he's actually quite handsome.

"Haven't had the best night. Maybe another time." I say with a simple smile.

"Come on. Maybe I can make your night a little better. A pretty girl shouldn't be drinking alone." He smiles and looks me straight in the eye. And there it is.

Just something _he_ would've said. And here I am slightly buzzed and not able to stop myself from doing what I shouldn't.

I'm not saying this is something I usually do. Hell I haven't even touched another man since I left that night. But there is something in his eyes and maybe even in the way he's talking to me which makes it hard for me to say no. Because for one moment I just allow myself to pretend it's him.

"It's late I should go." I say. Well, at this point I'm sure it's just a mumble.

"What? But it's freezing outside." He says with a cheeky smile.

"You know. I don't think it'll be warmer outside if I stay longer." I say.

"True. One last round?" He says eyeing me intensely a grin spreading across his face. But I just shake my head while I try to push the though of him out of my head.

"Then let me at least take you out on a date next week." He's almost begging.

"I'll think about it." I say just to be nice. I mean it's been a year since I started this new life but my old one for sure still haunts me.

"Alright!" He has that excited smile on his face and I already hate myself for giving him hope.

"Let me call you an uber I want you to get home safely." He says and it's just like another punch in the face because he actually seems like a decent guy.

"That's my ride." I say hoping my voice doesn't betray me and tells him how relieved I actually am to leave. I can't handle the looks he's giving me. Like it's the beginning of something. Like I'm something new and exciting. Someone worthy. When in fact I feel like I'm still stuck in another story that hasn't ended yet. Although my head knows that's bullshit. My heart just can't let go yet.

And let's not forget the fact that I'm also a fucked up ex junky, who fights the urge to just give in every single fucking day.

Yeah I know pretty worthy huh?

"Okay I guess I'll see you next week then?" He says and I immediately snap back into the present.

"Yes I...uh I'll call you." I force a smile.

"Oh, definitely." He says and it that moment I froze. I can't move or say anything when I notice that he leans in and presses his lips on mine.

 _'Oh definitely.'_

That's all it takes. I'm starting to breath heavy and my legs feel like they're about lose contact to the floor. And him kissing me at this exact moment for sure wasn't the reason.

I pull away from him, my eyes start to burn and I know what's about to happen. I turn around and open the door as fast as I can. I need to get out of here.

"Hey are... is everything...I mean did I do anything wrong?" His voice is shaking. Poor guy probably thinks he offended me.

"All good I'll text." I say closing the door quickly. Ready to finally get home.

Arriving at home I tell myself I just need some sleep. But I also know he's about to call. Like a clockwork. Every day. And even though I only answered the call a handful of times over the past year, every 3 months to be exact, and always ended it after the small talk, I know I have to really talk to him eventually. And the fact that I left exactly a year ago today, feels like a good reason to finally do that.

I get myself another beer because I can't be sober for this. Sit on the couch and stare at my phone and wait until starts ringing at exactly 11:30pm like every day.

Because if there is one thing that Jay Halstead is.

It's consistent.

So I find myself picking up the phone at 11:30 pm.

"Erin?" He's surprised.

"Hey." I whisper almost unable to hear it myself.

 **Okay so I have never written a story before and this was my first attempt. Let me know what you think and if you want me to continue or if I should just stop. Lol. If you got this far. Thank you for reading and giving it a shot! ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi people. So a few of you actually want me to continue (thank you for the reviews!) so let's see where this story goes :) I'll try my best to update quickly. This chapter will also be Erin's POV but I wanted to ask if you guys would rather have me switching the POV every other chapter or keep it "one sided"? Let me know what you think :) sorry I couldn't really separate the scenes last time but it should work in this chapter ;)**

 **Alright I hope you like this one!**

"Hey." I whisper. My voice is shaking and I know he expects me to say something. Something else than just 'Hey'.

"I...uh I, look I don't really know what to say." I say truthfully. I hear him breathing heavy, I don't really know if it's because he is mad or nervous, and I know that he doesn't know what to say either because let's be honest none of us expected that I'd actually answer the call.

"How are you?" Is the only thing I can get out. I planned to be calm and just lay it all out but suddenly I feel like someone kicked me in my stomach and I can't even breathe properly.

It's almost like he knows, of course he knows, and he just says "Please don't hang up again after I answered this question."

I hear pain and sadness in his voice. Almost like that one time he confronted me outside the club. Maybe even a little more sad and it breaks my heart to know that I'm the reason.

I take a deep breath knowing I have to talk to him for longer than 2 minutes this time. Knowing it'll kill me when I hang up the phone after this talk we're about to have. And before I can run from the situation again I just say

"I won't."

"Good."

And once again he makes it impossible for me to not say anything. I used to love that about him. He challenged me when we were a couple. Made me talk about things I never talked about but right now it was not what I wanted at all.

"So...how are you?"

"Okay, I guess. Glad you finally picked up."

He sounds monotonous and I can't quite figure out if he really wanted to talk at all. Well I guess he wanted me to talk and quit the small talk. He wanted answers. But I don't know if I'm able to give him answers he wants to hear.

"Yeah..." I say as I breathe out. "Wish i could say the same." I say with a chuckle trying to lighten the mood a little. It's not working. Not at all.

"Wow. Really? After 3 months you finally pick up again, which in fact you didn't want to, and then you make fun of it?"

"No, Jay that was not-"

"Just stop, Erin! Stop defending yourself for once would you?!" He interrupts me.

"You fucking left in the middle of the night! There is no excuse for that! So fucking stop defending yourself! Or pretend like small talk is appropriate! I waited 12 months and was patient waiting for you to finally tell me why you did what you did!"

I stare at the wall. Shocked. Not moving. I've never experienced him like this before. My whole body is shaking and I can't form any kind of sentence. I can feel the tears burning in my eyes and don't trust myself enough to speak just yet. I don't want him to hear how much this, much justified, outburst just effected me.

I take a steadying breath. And start talking.

"Jay I never meant to upset you like that. I just..." I wasn't sure if he even knew the whole truth. I mean I called him that night told him I _had_ to take the job or intelligence would be shut down but I never told him I did it for my beloved and very, not, thankful mother.

"I had to." I whisper not sure if he even heard me because there was silence at the other side of the line. So I just repeated myself a little louder, I think.

"I had to leave."

"What?"

"I had to leave to protect her." I say to make sure he got it this time.

"Are you talking about Bunny right now?" I can't really figure out what he's feeling and how he takes it which never happened before. But at least he sounds calmer than 2 minutes ago.

"Yes. I...I took the job to protect her from any charges. That was the deal. And then I went to see Hank. Believe me when I tell you that I had every intention to see you after that. To tell you everything but Hank said something..." I stop talking because I feel the heat rising inside of my body. And I know that I'm about to cry. I hated how much impact that bitch of a mother still had on me. After all this time, after everything that did to me and put me through. But at the end of the day she was my mother.

"Erin, what did he say?"

"He said that I shouldn't look back." My voice cracks and I hate that he knows how vulnerable I am right now. I choke down the rest of my beer and relax a little.

"So that is exactly what i did. I packed up my stuff looked at the skyline one last time and told myself that it was the right thing to do. And I mean at the end of the day it was. I mean there was nothing holding me in Chicago. My mother is a bitch that didn't care about me anyways, my dad is god knows who but he doesn't seem to miss me either, my job was gone and you left me too. Nobody wanted me so I just left. Did everyone a favor." I shrug at that last sentence although I know he can't see me. But it was kind of to make a point to myself too.

I hear a sob escape from his mouth. And I have to admit that I didn't expect that at all. Because thinking back to our relationship I realized that jay never cried in front of me. I know people used to say that I was the one building up walls when in reality it was him. Sure, I was selective. There weren't many people I told personal things but that's why it is called personal life. It's not suppose to be heard by people that aren't close to you. But _we_ were close and it's just now that I realize that I'm the only one who really opened up in our relationship. Suddenly he tears me out of my thoughts by speaking up.

"Do you really believe that?" His voice is shaking.

"Do you really think that nobody wanted you? That people would be better off without you?"

I can feel a single tear rolling down my cheek. "Well, yes. Except Hank maybe."

He is silent. Doesn't say a word. So I continue talking.

"You know what Jay, I'm sorry I...I think i should sleep i have to work tomorrow." I lie.

"No, Erin wait-"

"No." I interrupt him. "I answered your questions. I hope you feel better..." _I definitely don't_ I think. "and that you can move on. Stop calling me everyday because that makes it really hard for me to move on with my life." I know he wants to say something but I cut him off before he can even start speaking. "Goodbye, Jay." My voice cracks and I immediately hate myself for that. So I hang up before he can even respond anything.

I sit there just staring into the air for about 30 minutes I think I cried but I can't really remember. I go into the kitchen to get myself something stronger than beer.

About 20 minutes later I'm shitfaced drunk but I don't allow myself to cry any longer. I think about setting an alarm but then I remember that I don't need to and laugh at myself. I remember how good I am to push important stuff to the back of my head just to feel better. I was about to go, actually wobble, into my bedroom when I hear a knock on my door.

I look at my phone. 2:14am who the fuck is knocking on my door in the middle of the night?

 **Alright that's it for this chapter. I hope I could clarify the current situation a little bit for you guys(of course not all of it tho). I apologize for any mistakes and hope you don't hate me for that but I'm in fact not a native speaker so it's not as easy as it probably is for most of you guys ;)**

 **Hope you still get the point if there are sentences I fucked up lol.**

 **Let me know what you think and if I should continue this story. Since you have a little more insight now I think it's easier to say if you'd want me to continue the story. Anyways thank you for all the kind reviews you left so far! Have a great day ***


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey lovelies! I hope y'all have a great day! I had a talk with a friend and kinda really planned out this story and I'm excited to keep going cause I like the upcoming chapters I've planned. Thanks to that special friends! You know who you are ;)**

 **Thanks for all your reviews btw don't stop please it keeps me going! :)**

 **OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

I practically jump when it bangs on the door again.

"Erin! Open the door!" _What the hell is he doing here?_ I stumble to the door and on my way he bangs at it again. "Erin! Move!"

"I'm coming! God." I'm trying my best to walk straight and finally open the door.

"What?!" I spit out. "What the hell do you want here, Josh?"

"Are you kidding? I've been calling you for hours. What the fuck were you doing all night? I mean accept getting fucked up?" He steps into my apartment before I can stop him. "I know you're not interested in me that way but this was about business."

 _Shit the phone. I forgot to charge my 'work' phone._

"Listen Josh I haven't had the best night and just forgot to charge my phone. That's it." I mumble giving my best to sound sober.

"Ugh god, Erin you're fucking lucky I like you this much you know that? I need to get rid of 10kg of H within the next few days. We most certainly have to disappear for a little while until we get new orders after."

I'm confused. But now that I really look at him, Josh seems pretty nervous. I guess the Heroine wasn't his to sell and now he has to rid of it before the wrong people find out. I try to calm him down a little.

"Josh we'll take care of it. I promise. Did I ever let you down?" I smile and put my hands on his chest. I know he's into me. So what kind of an idiot would I be not to take advantage of that to do my job right. But if I'm honest, I also need him to stand up straight.

"No. You didn't." He says calmly and I know my touch is working.

Suddenly he presses his eyes together looking at me more intensely. "What happened to you anyway? You're drunk, obviously, and your eyes are red as if you were crying." I immediately get nervous because I didn't think he'd actually notice.

"I...I...uhm...you know I just got a pretty upsetting call from someone." I know that I can't lie. He caught me off guard. I'm bad at lying when someone catches me off guard. It's what Hank used to do. He always asked unexpected questions which made lying to him impossible for me.

 _"So you're back to your old habits?" He says and he is completely correct. I get nervous and try to talk myself out of it even if I have to lie. "The guy I was with had some pharmaceuticals and the night's fuzzy...so I'm...I'm thinking maybe...at some point when I went into the bathroom and he slips something in my drink, but I don't know I had a lot to drink and-" Suddendly he cuts me off "Do you know who you sound like right now? Your mother." He says and it's like a punch in the face. Even though he's right. And that is the worst part._

He looks at me confused. "I thought your phone was turned off the past few hours?"

 _Dammit! What do I do now?! Think Erin!_

I'm thinking and thinking for what seems like hours and he apparently noticed it.

"And who could possibly upset you this much? You said you don't have any family and that there wasn't any boyfr-" I press my lips against his. Hard. There wasn't anything else I could do to get out of the situation. Because at the end of the day I still had to do my job, no matter what. And let's not pretend I wasn't a drunk heartbroken woman who just had the worst conversation of her life which ended with the words _'I want to move on with my life'._

He finally seems to realize what is happening because he starts to move his hand to grab my hair and uses his other one to grab around my waist.

I pull his shirt over his head and this time his hands land on my ass. I start pushing him over and onto the couch. He immediately lifts me onto his lap after.

When I reach for his belt he breaks the kiss, both of us breathing heavy and I continue to try to unbuckle his belt when he spreaks up "Wait, Er-"

"Shhh!" I cut him off when I finally manage to rip his pants down.

"I just wanted to-"

"Just shut up and kiss me. Touch me. Do whatever the fuck you want but don't talk."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I wake up having a headache. It takes a few moments for my eyes to adjust and I notice that it's still dark and that I'm still a little drunk. I look to my left, he used to be on the left bedside next me. Obviously not the same bed and apartment but it's still breaking my heart every day when I look to the left and the bed is empty. Now it's not, there is someone lying next to me but it's not him.

I look at my phone. 4:20am. I need to get out of this room before I have to throw up. Not because of the alcohol but because of how disgusted I am by just being me right now. I walk into the kitchen to get some water when I hear footsteps behind me.

"Hey babe." he says grabbing and squeezing ass. At that I jump and turn around because that was something I didn't expect at all.

I smile and look up at him even if I don't want to. He reaches for my chin and lifts it up so he can kiss me. He deepens the kiss and I have to play along. Because there is no going back fo me now.

Suddenly his phone starts ringing and this is when we both know, it's time.

 **OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

 **Hi guys! Thank you for reading this chapter! as you know I'd love to know what all of you think so please leave reviews! I hope you liked the chapter it's kind of another step to get into the actual storyline! Please be patient we're getting there! ;)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi guys sorry for the last chapter being so rushed but all chapters played in one night so far so it was kinda hard to write. I hope this'll turn out better! Still have to get into the story and all. I think some of you may be upset that Erin slept with Josh but I just want to point out that she did that because she is undercover and Josh got suspicious.**

"It's time." He says after he hung up the phone.

I don't know if I really want to do this but if we want to get the people who are behind the heroin that has been going around these past months, I guess I don't have a choice. I hate that it is connected to Josh. I don't want to spend another second with this person. He reminds me so much of Charlie. I've seen him lash out on people for not paying in time. He is so messed up it's scary, and I can't believe that I have to go this far to cover up my identity. _Thanks Jay._

It's easy to blame him. I don't have to talk to him and I don't have to look into his beautiful eyes that make me question everything I do. Or at least used to.

"You should get ready." Josh pulls me out of my thoughts.

"Alright. So what's the plan for now?" I ask, hoping he actually has one and isn't this stupid aggressive drug dealer I think he is.

"The plan is that _you_ , my beautiful little angel," he puts his hand on my cheek as if he is trying to convince me "you are going to help me sell that H and then we get the hell outta here."

"Alright let me call some people and see what I can do." I say knowing that if I really want to get the people behind this, I actually have to put this junk on the streets. And it breaks my heart knowing what it can and will do to people.

Later that morning I've reached out to some people. Some I knew before my life changed completely. "So you're selling instead of buying now huh, Er?" One of them said. I didn't know what to respond. It is scary and challenging to go back to that part of my life. I mean even when I had my 'sabbatical' after Nadia's death I wasn't as fucked up. You can't even compare who I was back then to the person I was after Nadia's death. It's funny because people, Jay, actually thought I was my worst self after Nadia's death.

But believe me I was worse and Hank knew that. And he also knew that pushing me would've thrown me back into _that_ life. The life he saved me from all those years ago. He knew I wouldn't fall this deep again. Well let's be honest he didn't know, he hoped, but he for sure knew that pushing me would make it worse. It scares me how he knows me better than anyone, even Jay. He experienced me at my worst and still loved me. Always. Unconditionally. God I miss him.

 _Speaking of Hank,_ I think, and call Olivia to let her know how everything's working out so far.

"Benson." Her voice alone makes me smile. This woman is a warrior and the sweetest mother figure you'll ever meet at the same time.

"Hey, Liv. It's me."

"Erin! How's it going? It's been a month! Any updates?" She knows how undercover cases work. She knows that sometimes you don't have the chance to reach out to anyone. Not even your real family.

"Yes. So apparently Josh stole some Heroine from those people. We have to get rid of it and disappear for a while. I guess this whole case will take longer than we thought." I hear her breathe out in exhaustion. She hates it when I'm involved in cases like this one. And she hates it when they turn out to take longer than we thought.

"Okay Erin, do your job and remember to shake it off at the end of the day, okay? You know how this stuff can get to you. Probably even better than I do. Call me as soon as you can with any updates." I can hear in her voice that she's not happy about me being out here. She's so protective she'd rather do it herself if she could, just to keep me out of harms way.

I pack my stuff and think about what I should take with me. I don't know how long this will take so I need to be prepared. When I come across _the_ drawer I stop. I'm not sure if opening it would actually be good for me. But the masochist in me thinks _fuck it_ before I even have the chance to overthink it. It's all still there. Just like the way I left it when I moved in. In the bottom right corner is the picture in the golden frame. It's always been my favorite picture of us. We looked so happy, well we were happy. I remember that night like it was yesterday, but still, it seems like a lifetime ago.

 _"Erin! We're going to be late hurry up!"_

 _"Jay I'm a woman! I need some time!" I scream out of the bathroom. He hates how I'm always running late. Although it's not because it takes me a long time to get ready, no, I'm just too lazy to get my ass up in the first place and so we always run late and the well trained soldier in him hates it._

 _"You are unbelievable I told you to get ready two hours ago! You're the messiest person a-" he stops speaking for a second as I come out of the bathroom. "alive." He finishes. "Wow! But also the most beautiful one that's for sure." He says and his face lights up._

 _I walk towards him. "Don't say stuff like that Halstead you know I can't take compliments." I smack on his shoulder and he comes close to me. I can feel his breath on my face and notice that he put my favorite Parfume on._

 _"I'm your boyfriend and I'm allowed to say stuff like that. And don't forget that I also called you a messy person 5 seconds earlier." He smirks at me. God that smirk makes me weak._

 _"But I'm your messy person. There's a difference." I say smiling up at him._

 _"There is?" He raises his eyebrows._

 _"Yep. Because knowing" I start coming so close to him that my voice is just a teasing whisper. "what a little control freak you are sometimes." I pause kissing his cheek slightly and I move my mouth to his ear "I kind of have to admit, I do it on purpose sometimes." I pull back and look into his eyes and I can't hide the smile on my lips._

 _"You-" he stops and grabs me on my waist throwing me over his shoulder._

 _I squeak and scream "Jay! Stop!" when he throws me onto the bed._

 _"You're ruining my hair!" And I laugh as he starts tickling me and kissing my neck. He knows it's my soft spot especially after not shaving his face for a few days._

 _"Say you're sorry!" He says not stopping with his stubble and I can't stop laughing. "Say it, Lindsay!"_

 _"O...okay! Okay! I give up!" I squeak still laughing when he suddenly stops, laughing himself. God I love this man._

 _"I'm sorry." I pout._

 _"No no no. Stop with the pouting." He says smiling. "That's not fair." I know it isn't. He can't help but love me even more when I do that. He told me so a million times._

 _"Okay." I smile and come closer. He gives me the sweetest kiss. "I'm sorry." I say._

 _He kisses me again. So soft I could stay there forever just kissing him._

 _"I love you." He says looking into my eyes intensely._

 _"I love you." I whisper, give him another quick kiss and get off the bed._

 _"Alright we should go. Hank hates it when people are late. Especially on his birthday."_

 _He smiles at me and takes my hand. "He'll survive, come on let's take a picture. My girl looks hot tonight." He says and we take a selfie. Suddenly i have to laugh. "What?" He asks._

 _"You would have never said that in front of him." I laugh. "'He'll survive'" I copy him with my men voice and he laughs._

 _"Yeah you're probably right."_

 _"I always am Halstead." I smirk at him._

I feel tears burning in my eyes and seconds after they drop on his face on the glass. We were so happy. I can't believe how all of this changed in such a short amount of time. I grab everything that's in the drawer and put it in my bag. I can not leave it behind just yet. I just can't. I pack the rest of my stuff and meet up with Josh. We talk about potential customers, make a plan and we get to work.

 **Okay y'all this is it for this chapter. I really wanted to write a little bit about their past and wanted to point out how hurt Erin still is about their breakup. Let me know what you think! I'll update as soon as possible! Have a lovely Sunday tomorrow!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys! Thank you for your reviews so far! I'm so sorry it took me so long to update! But at least it's a long chapter! :) I'm excited to see what you guys think about that. Hope you like this chapter!**

 **7 Days later:**

I wake up blinking fast as my eyes try to adjust to the bright sunlight. My head feels like someone is whacking at it with an hammer and I wonder how last night ended. I don't remember when exactly I passed out, well actually I don't remember much in general.

As I turn around I feel a hand around my waist. It's Josh's, of course. I'm so tired of pretending and I'm tired of this case and I'm tired of fighting my old self, which in fact is harder than ever lately.

The past couple of days are blurry. I didn't know that selling that shit actually meant that you have to prove yourself to everyone. A joint here, some shots there. All that just to make sure they won't think you're a cop. It used to be easier, people just trusted you, although I kind of think that my appearance back then could be a reason why people believed me when I told them I wasn't a cop.

We are in some little town right now. Left New York days ago. We're almost done with getting rid of Josh's stolen goods and I hope that I can finally close this case after.

I feel the urge to have a drink. It hasn't been like that in a while and this is the moment when I realise that I need to be more careful. I can't slip back into that hole again, especially since I don't have anyone who'd care enough to pull me out this time.

I'm carefully slipping out of Josh's grip trying not to wake him. I can't handle this asshole that early in the morning. Especially when I'm hungover, he just talks shit 24/7. I grab my phone and put some clothes on to go downstairs and have breakfast in hope that the coffee is better in this Hotel.

As i walk into the restaurant I look down at my phone and immediately freeze at the notifications I'm looking at. 5 missed calls and a text from Jay Halstead.

'Erin what the fuck?!', it said.

I have no idea what this is about, so I open the chat.

 _I feel dizzy. The shots were definitely working their way into my system. I feel lonely and immediately think about Jay. I mean I always do but it's worse when I'm drunk. Who does he think he is though? Lashing out on me like that the last time we talked. Why was he blaming me for all of this? I could've answered his calls, yes, but I didn't owe him anything. Right?_

 _I miss him like hell. And I hate him. And I hate myself. I hate the whole world for doing this to us. It shouldn't be this complicated when two people love each other. Of course I'm starting to cry now. Great Erin. But I won't call him. I can't handle hearing his voice and I can't risk this case. But I could text him right I guess, I take out my phone and write it all down._

 _'Hey. I was just thinking about you and how much I hate everything since the night you left me. Everything went downhill afterwards. I'm angry and sad and don't know what to do without you. I'm still so confused. Why are you so mad at me? And why would you leave someone you apparently love so much? I just want to forget you and move on with my life but here I am yet again. I never thought I'd ever be UC without you. Without my partner. You would've saved me from all of the shit I already had to do to "come across convincingly." This time I wasn't prepared. I feel like i never am, without you having my back. Anyways what i actually wanted to tell you. I could punch you for making me feel so much. I would've been perfectly fine if our ways would never have crossed. I hope you'll do better next time and not work your way into a girls heart for four years to just leave._ _Goodbye Jay.'_

Shit. I actually sent that last night. My hands are shaking and I'm not sure what to do when I see josh walking up to me. _Focus Erin you can't think about this right now._

"Hey." I smile at him and hope he doesn't notice how fake it is.

"Hey babe. Why didn't you wake me up?" He leans down and kisses me quickly before sitting down in front of me.

"I don't know. It was a long night and I thought you might need the rest." Little does he know that I'd rather jump out of the window than have him sitting here with me.

"Alright." He says and turns to the waitress that stopped at our table to order himself a coffee and some French tost.

"So Erin, we have a few more stops until we can get away for a while and enjoy the money we made until it's less busy in New York. We have to make sure that nobody knows that we were the ones stealing from RJ." I roll my eyes at his statement, he pisses me off.

"You mean, YOU were the one stealing from RJ. I'm just nice enough to play along. Don't forget that." I say matter of factly pointing my finger at him.

"Come on babe, don't pretend like you don't enjoy it. I watch you. The parties, alcohol, weed, some pills here and there. You're living for this shit." I look at him in shock. Heat building up in my face. My heart is beating faster and I finally have to admit that he's describing me, like the person I once was in the past.

"Excuse me?! I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm doing this to save your ass." I spit out. Anger building up inside of me and I don't know if it's because his statement was inappropriate or because it was kind of true.

"Chill Er, I know that. And I'm thankful for that. I'm just saying that it doesn't seem like you don't like it. That's all. Geez women." He shakes his head while the waitress places his order in front of him. And my coffee in front of me after.

The smell of coffee relaxes me and it is just now that I notice, the urge to have drink isn't there anymore. We don't say much more and quietly have breakfast together. After that, we get back on the road.

X...

It's dark when I wake up on the passenger seat of Josh's Chrysler 300, how ironic I know. I look out of the window trying to figure out where we are.

"Where are we?" I ask yawning.

"Chicago baby!" He yells like he'd just won the lottery.

 _Fuck! Chicago? Out of all the places? Why?_

 _I don't say anything and he seems to notice that something is wrong._

"Why do you look like we've just arrived in hell?"

 _Because we have. My personal hell._ I want to answer.

"No reason." I shrug. "I've just never really liked it here. I visited a couple of times and don't really have any good memories." _Understatement of the year._

This city fucked me over since I was born. Well the people that live here, the city itself is actually beautiful. Growing up on the south side wasn't fun, especially when your Mom's called bunny. I look out of the window amazed by how pretty this city is at night. My heart aches, I've missed it. It's been a year since the last time I've been here. And it's still home after all. Suddenly I feel Josh's hand on my leg. I guess that's him trying to give me comfort. And I take it.

We keep driving until we get to the hotel he apparently booked for us this morning. I solved a case here once with intelligence. Ruzek was undercover and his friend got pushed out of a window, just like that. Like she was trash that someone needed to get rid off.

Josh holds our room door open for me to get inside and I thank him with a simple nod. After we got settled in, we both start to get ready for tonight.

I'm just putting my favorite triangle shaped earrings on, which were of course Jay gave me as a gift when we were dating back then. When Josh comes into the bathroom to ask if I'm ready, it takes me a while to realise that he's there because I'm thinking back to the day I got those earrings. One of the best days of my life.

 _"Happy Halloween Baby. Damn you look hot dressed up like supergirl." Jay says wrapping his arms around my waist. I reach up to sling my arms around his neck not satisfied with his way of saying hello._

 _"First of all, holy hell Dr.Halstead" I tease raising an eyebrow, "and second of all, I told you a million times that it's Wonder Woman and not supergirl." I say in annoyance. His green eyes sparkle when he gives me the biggest smile and I can't help but smile back at him._

 _"I know Erin, I just love to piss you off, you're cute when you pretend to be mad at me." He chuckles and leans down to peck my lips. He is lucky that I love him so much because he drives me crazy sometimes._

 _"Well let's hope I don't find Superman tonight because superheroes don't need doctors." I sigh and he gives me a with warning look._

 _"Oh really? Well doctors have a lot to offer you know?" He shrugs, knowing how curious I am._

 _"Such as?" I ask waiting for him to continue but he just turns around and walks into the kitchen. I follow him to figure out what his plan is. When I get into the kitchen, he holds up a cupcake, my favorite cupcake and a grin spread all over my face. This man knows me so well._

 _"For my world-saving supergirl," I roll my eyes and he continues as I start stuffing the cupcake inside of my mouth. "I'm serious. You save so many people everyday even without wearing a cape. You're so selfless, Erin. It inspires me everyday." His face is serious and I don't know what to do since I can't really say anything with my mouth filled with frosting. Jay suddenly reaches in his pocket to get out a small black box. My heart immediately stops and I freeze._

 _I'm about to throw up everything I just ate when he gets on one knee. And I know without seeing myself that I look like a pale ghost._

 _"Stop!" I scream out, dropping down on to the floor right infront of him. I lay my hand over his._

 _"Please don't, Jay." Tears pooling in my eyes and I hope I can safe this without crushing his heart. He stares at me "But Erin I-"_

 _"I'm not ready. Please don't do this to me. I won't be able to give you the answer you want to hear." I plead, almost beg. A couple tears are running down my face when his mouth suddenly spread into the biggest smile._

 _"Why are you smiling?" I sniff._

 _He carefully frees his hands from mine and opens the box, only to reveal the most beautiful earrings I've ever seen. I immediately blush when he chuckles._

 _"Wow. I think I've never scared someone this much on Halloween, never trust a nice doctor babe. I totally got you!" He leans forward to kiss me while I still look at him in shock._

 _"You don't want to marry me?" I ask._

 _"Woah don't sound so relived. And no. I...I mean yes, someday but not in the next couple years." He smiles and kisses me again. And my heart beats faster at the thought of our future._

 _"Me too." I smile. "Thank you, baby." I say softly reaching up to kiss him again._

Suddenly Josh pulls me back into the real world by wrapping his arms around me, resting his head on my shoulder to kiss my neck.

"You look hot! Damn that red dress!" He practically screams into my ear. I turn around to face him.

"Thanks." I whisper, still emotional from my trip down memory lane.

His hands travel all over my body, I close my eyes so I can at least pretend that it's Jay who's touching me.

His right hand stops at my core, his fingers slighty putting pressure to it as he leans towards my ear, "I can't wait to have you back in this hotel room later." He whispers and starts putting kisses on to my neck.

I hope he gets shitfaced drunk later. I can't do this tonight. Not in this hotel. Not in Chicago, knowing that the love of my life is so close to me. I manage to get out of his grip and continue to put my earrings in.

"So how many clubs did you have in mind?" I ask trying to change the subject. I actually don't really give a shit. I for sure know he won't go to Molly's with me. Everyone knows it's a bar filled with cops and firefighters. And as for other bars or clubs, I'll just pray to god that there won't be someone I know.

"We'll see." He simply says while making his way out of the bathroom.

"Let's Go."

 **Alright that's it for now. I hope you liked the chapter and leave some reviews. I'll try to write more and update earlier. Again sorry it took me so long. Let me know what you think! Xoxo**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey guys! Thanks so much for your reviews! I appreciate every single one. Glad to know you like the story so far. It's kind of starting to get interesting now. I hope lol. Thanks for reading!**

We've been to several clubs by now. Some I knew, some I didnt. It's getting easier to sell with Josh. Mostly because people are more drunk with every hour that passes but also because him and I kind of make a good "team" by now. It still breaks my heart to sell this shit. Looking at those, probably only 17 year old, teenagers that knock themselves out makes me want to cry. But I have to keep going for the greater good. Plus, as bad as it sounds, the more I drink, the less of a fuck I give.

We arrive at the next bar. It's kind of like the one my mom use to own. A bar where people just fall asleep, wake up 2 hours later and continue drinking. _Perfect,_ we figure although we might seem a little overdressed.

We make our way inside. It's a pretty big and dark bar. They have pool tables and dart boards. There are all sorts of people in here. Young and old, some people with more money than others but no one seems to care. There's music and even people dancing.

We're sitting down to check out some potential costumers. There's a free booth right next to the bar.

We were able to drag some party people from the previous club with us. Just us as a couple would be too obvious.

I'm a little relieved when I see the back of a woman who seems to wear a dress, too, sitting right behind Josh in another booth. She's probably on a date or something. I wish I could say the same.

"So! Who orders the first round?" Josh asks.

He's been getting really drunk the past hour and I don't even know if selling would still make sense in his current condition. I couldn't be happier though, at least it means he'll sleep far away from me. Preferably in front of the toilet.

"I will! Tequila?!" One of the guys we're with suddenly announces. His name is Mike, I think.

"Perfect!" Josh screams out, "I have to take a piss!"

I roll my eyes, _classy Josh._

He gets up and I'm about to be left alone with Jason, the other guy we left the club with.

When Josh moves to get up, I can immediately see the woman's back again. Although she also seems to get up, probably to go fix her make up or something.

She moves to get out of the booth they're sitting in and that's the first time I'm able to see her date.

I instantly freeze and drop my phone when his just as shocked green eyes find mine. _Jay_. He loos at me for what feels like ten minutes, his eyes boring into mine. I can't figure out his emotions, he hides them pretty well. He was actually prettt good at that.

When I hear Jason say my name for probably the fifth time I snap back into present.

"Erin?" He touches my shoulder.

I turn to face him "yes?" I say softly, smiling at him. I need to keep my cool, this is a case I've been working on for a while now. Nothing can jeopardize that, not even Jay.

"Are you alright? You look like you've seen a ghost." He says. I laugh at that.

"I kind of feel like it." I say exhaling another nervous laugh. I feel his gaze on me, I can see that he still didn't move from the corner of my eye. I'm shifting uncomfortably and I know that I'm making it obvious that somethings wrong.

"Did I do anything?" He asks nervously.

"What? No! Don't worry everything's fine." I smile. Hoping I can convince him. I look up, when I suddenly hear Joshs loud voice.

"It's because she wants to sit next to her man asshead!" He is practically shouting through the whole bar on his last meters back to our booth. He laughs.

I notice Jays head snapping around. _God please save me._ His gaze follows Josh as he makes his way over to sit next to me. He sits down and puts his arm around me forcing a sloppy and disgusting kiss onto my lips.

My whole body is burning. This is my worst nightmare. I know for a fact that Jay is still looking at us and it breaks my heart. He doesn't even know what's going on.

I notice that his date is coming back from her trip to the bathroom. At least he'll be a little distracted now.

Mike comes back with our drinks and I can't ignore the heat rising up inside of me again, knowing that he's watching. He shifted, sitting more in the middle of their booth now, perfect for him to observe.

I decide in that second. No more business tonight. I'll just try to get out of this situation as soon as possible.

X...

It's been a few drinks and I'm dizzy, and still uncomfortable. Especially with a drunk Josh all over me.

I think the evening has been going ok considering the situation I've been in for the past hour when suddenly everything goes south.

"Hey!" I jump when I hear Josh shouting next to my ear "can I help you?! do you want to take a picture?!"

He is talking to Jay. _Dammit!_

"What?" Jay sounds unbothered, at least for everyone else. But he can't fool me. He is raging.

"You know what I mean dude. You have a beautiful girl sitting there. Why you keep starting at mine?!" He spits out. _Shoot me now._

"She _your_ property yeah?" Jay laughs sarcastically.

Josh is about to get up when I pull him down. Stopping him from lashing out. Jay can be so sassy but he doesn't know he's playing with fire right now. I mean obviously Jay knows how to defend himself, but Josh is crazy and plays dirty.

"Just let it go, babe" I say softly cupping his cheek. "He's not worth it." I tell him while looking over to Jay who is sitting 2 meters away from me, boiling, his hands formed into fists.

Suddenly Josh grabs my arm. Hard. Too hard. "Who the fuck do you think I am? Do you want me to hug it out or some shit?!" I try to get out of his grip and see Jay immediately jumping out of his seat.

"Let her go or you'll lose your head man." Jay says through gritted teeth, trying to stay calm. But I don't want him to safe me. I don't need him to safe me. I give him one look and he immediately knows that he should back off. At least that's something that works now.

 _"Nice ass." He wiggles his eyebrows and slaps my butt slightly. I jump and turn to fave him. What an asshole._

 _"Uhm excuse me?!" I angrily reply. But before I have the chance to defend myself, Jay steps in pushing him back. "You shouldn't have done that man." He spits out._

 _"Jay, stop." I say giving him a serious look to back off. But he ignores it turning back to the guy. I can't believe he is doing this. This is my battle to fight not his._

 _"Dude she's practically asking for it with that slutty dress and-" he can't finish his sentence because Jay knocks him out before he can say another word._

 _"Jay!" I scream angrily. He turns around and takes my hand without a word._

 _We continue walking through Chicago to the restaurant._

 _I'm pissed. I don't say a word for minutes until he speaks up. "He deserved it Er." He says. I guess that's his way of apologizing. Still, I don't say a word._

 _"So what, you're mad at me now for defending you?"_

 _"No. I'm mad at you because I told you to stop but you just ignored me." I reply angrily. "I don't need you to fight my battles and I thought you respected me enough to back off and give me the chance speak up for myself." I cross my arms in front of my chest. I look at him but he doesn't seem to get it. I look down at his swollen hand, taking it into mine to look at it. He winces at my touch._

 _"We should go home. I think it's sprained." I say softly._

 _"But what about dinner?" He looks at me confused._

 _I shake my head slightly "I'm not hungry anymore anyways. Let's go." He doesn't say another word, he knows I'm pissed right now anyways._

 _When we arrive home, I immediately go to bed. Without sleeping of course. I figure he's taking care of his hand. He joins me about an hour later. We both know the other one is awake but don't say a word. Until he can't take it any longer and puts his arms around me from behind, kissing the back of my head._

 _"I'm sorry. I know you can fight your own battles." He muffles sadly into my hair._

 _"Then why didn't you let me?" I ask, not moving._

 _"Because I don't want you to fight any battles at all. I can't stand the thought of you not being safe. I'd rather have you mad at me than in danger." He sighs._

 _"I'd cuddle you into a blanket and protect you from the whole messed up world out there if I could." He continues. I turn to face him. "And I'm sorry for not listening to you, but I will never apologize for protecting you Erin." He says softly, tracing the back of his hand over the side of my face. I smile. My heart is beating faster. This man always knows what to say to me. I don't say anything else and slowly reach forward to kiss him, cuddling into his strong arms after. He kisses my forehead and we finally fall asleep. Together._

I look back at Josh.

"Josh I know you're upset but let the fuck go off my arm." I say, angry but quiet. And he finally seems to realise that I'm the one he's hurting right now. He suddenly lets go and looks at me like with an apologetic look.

"Go home, Josh. Now." I'm warning him with raised eyebrows and he seems to listen. He gets up, Jay still standing next to our booth. And before anyone, including Jay can react, Josh takes a swing at him. And then another one, and another one before the bartender and 'our friends' are able to separate them. Jay is sitting on the floor trying to realise what just happened, while Josh, mike, jason and jays date try their best to get the hell out of this bar.

I don't blame her, poor girl, worst date ever.

I don't care about Josh right now though.

"Jay." My voice is shaking. I kneel down next to him. He is bleeding, really bad. His cheekbone and lip are cut open and his left eye already looks swollen. Josh got him pretty good. _Asshole._

I turn to take the ice, the Barkeeper is offering me to put on jays face. When I reach forward to put it on his eye, he suddenly grabs my wrist and stops me.

"Don't. Don't touch me Erin." His voice full of hurt and I want to start crying right there and then. I look at him in shock, tears filling my eyes. He looks like he is in pain and I don't know if it's physical or mental.

He takes the ice out of my hand and gets up to make his way out of the bar. My voice is still shaking "Jay wait!" I cry out.

I have to run after him.

 **Thanks for reading. I wrote this last night and I'm not sure if it's good tbh lol. If you have the chance, leave a review and let me know what you think! Thank you!**


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